I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
