I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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