I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
