so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Sacagawea was the original milf.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
