Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
