Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
