I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
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