i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize