As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
