My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
