What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So much rum. So many feels.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
