when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
