You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
