I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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