So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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