im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
