hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
