I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
