Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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