thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
