I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
