i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
