I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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