I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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