I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
