I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
