at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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