I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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