Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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