I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
