smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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