you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
