I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
