just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
