i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
