those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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