My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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