i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
