I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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