and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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