everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
