People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
