Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
