Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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