Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
