before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
