I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
