Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
