she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
