Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I love you. Go after that dick
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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