Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize