The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
