When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
