Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
