where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
