I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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