you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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