She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Randomize
