I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
