that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize
